


Humans Are Overrated

by BuzzCat



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Ford Pines' Portal Adventures, Ford kisses an alien and it's good weird, Gen, portal!Ford - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-12-07 08:26:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18232379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BuzzCat/pseuds/BuzzCat
Summary: Ford stumbled to catch his step, looking forward through the thin canvas bag over his head into the darkness over the desert. He should have known he couldn’t run forever. He should have seen the trap before he fell directly into it.A bright white wisp floated beside his head, bright enough to see through the canvas, no larger than his fist and with thick lines of eyebrows furrowed as a force pushed against Ford’s back to keep him moving.Ford fiddled with his hands behind him, trying to reach the button hidden beneath the beltloop on the back of his coat. If he could just reach the activation—“Stop fidgeting.”Ford was surprised at the deep voice that emanated from the small creature. He couldn’t even be sure it had come from the wisp; there was no visible mouth on it. The voice continued, “If you keep fidgeting, I’m going to bind your hands and that requires more effort than I want to put in.”“So being a compliant prisoner is in my best interest, according to my jailer?”“I’m not your jailer, I’m just the courier.”





	Humans Are Overrated

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this art: http://beatrice-babe.tumblr.com/post/183690757042/villyre-headcanon-ford-got-out-of-90-of-his
> 
> OP is deactivated, message me if it's your art

Ford stumbled to catch his step, looking forward through the thin canvas bag over his head into the darkness over the desert. He should have known he couldn’t run forever. He should have seen the trap before he fell directly into it.

A bright white wisp floated beside his head, bright enough to see through the canvas, no larger than his fist and with thick lines of eyebrows furrowed as a force pushed against Ford’s back to keep him moving.

Ford fiddled with his hands behind him, trying to reach the button hidden beneath the beltloop on the back of his coat. If he could just reach the activation—

“Stop fidgeting.”

Ford was surprised at the deep voice that emanated from the small creature. He couldn’t even be sure it had come from the wisp; there was no visible mouth on it. The voice continued, “If you keep fidgeting, I’m going to bind your hands and that requires more effort than I want to put in.”

“So being a compliant prisoner is in my best interest, according to my jailer?”

“I’m not your jailer, I’m just the courier.”

Ford frowned, then his eyebrows went up when he saw a bright light spark into existence ahead of them. It flashed bright, winking like a star, before it solidified into a single being with a vaguely green glow. The being appeared humanoid in figure, though Ford couldn’t make out the details. The feeling of pressure pushing him forward stopped and the wisp spoke again,

“We got the guy you wanted for Cipher.”

 _Of course_. Of course, he wasn’t captured for any of the other various crimes he’d committed across dimensions and continents and cities. No, he had to be captured by one of Cipher’s agents.

Ford felt his heartbeat quicken as he prepared to struggle, to run, to punch.

The bag was removed from his head and Ford was startled, blinking in the bright unfiltered light against the blackness of the desert. The being had a strange sort of stone protrusion in its forehead, and two very long fingers on the hands at its sides. Its big dark eyes with sideways eyelids blinked at him once, twice, and a blush rose in its cheeks.

Ford glared. Before he ran, he needed a name to avoid, to hunt down when he was better prepared.

The being spoke with a single voice in four-part harmony, in a language like fingers rubbing across a metal pipe. Its was, oddly, not unpleasant. Whatever the creature said, however, must have been unpleasant indeed. The wisp’s eyes slitted in disappointed at the being, asking a question in the same strange language. Ford looked it in the eye, squaring his shoulders and faced it head-on. The being blushed further and repeated itself.

The wisp sighed and turned to Ford. Ford prepared himself for the threats, the demands. Cipher’s agents were always ready to gloat or boast or talk about what they planned to do with Ford’s various organs after Cipher had wrecked his mind. Ford was ready.

“She’ll let you go if you kiss her.”

Ford was not ready.

“Seriously??? Again?”

“Hey man, not my deal. And I don’t get her attraction to you and all your carbon-based…deal. But Malauera’s apparently got a thing for strong-chinned bipeds. You gonna make a deal?”

Ford rolled his eyes, “Yes, I’ll make the deal.” As nice as it was to get out that easily, Ford was starting to wonder if Cipher had any standards at all for his bounty hunters.

The wisp turned to Malauera and spoke in their language. She smiled shyly, stepping forward. Ford tried to emphasize his chin. Malauera leaned forward until he was breathing in the green glow around her, his palms sweaty as he waited for her to move. She seemed to take him in, eyes flickering back and forth across his face. Just when Ford was about to ask if she’d reconsidered the deal, she leaned forward, letting her lips ghost across Ford’s.

It didn’t feel like kissing a person. It felt like kissing spring, or the concept of spring. It put Ford in mind of the way snow dripped off a roof when it first started to melt, the way he could hear it trickling down the drainpipe outside his cabin, the way spring felt when he opened his window for the first time in the season. Aside from a faint tingling in his lips, a coolness in the way that peppermint tasted cold, Ford could barely tell he was kissing someone at all.

Malauera pulled back, mouth pulled back in a thinking expression as she pondered a moment. The wisp spoke in their strange language and Malauera waved her hand in dismissal. The wisp turned to Ford, “You may go.”

Ford nodded and started walking away, pulling out his journal as he went. It was such a strange sensation, an experience to record before he forgot the exact details. As he walked away, he heard the wisp speaking in that strange language and his universal translator finally kicked in.

“See, I told you humans were overrated.”


End file.
